Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Chapter 10 / Thanks

“Do you want any help sorting Ed’s clothes?” Kathleen asked in November. 

Kathleen had stopped by with baked chicken and we got to talking about her running for state assembly. People still cooked for me, but now in return, I made donations to worthy causes. To my mind, Kathleen was a perfect candidate: wavy red hair, four kids (two adopted), and years of dues paid on the school board. With Clinton in office—he had even won our backwater—we should do something now, before he blew it. “I’ll put all my donations in an account toward your campaign,” I said. 

“Maybe I should try for town board first,” she said, and then, often the mother, she asked about Ed’s clothes. 

“No thanks,” I said. “I’ll wash them all and give them away next spring.” 

To rush his clothes out of the closet, as my mother had done after my father died, seemed peremptory. Plus, I liked seeing his collection of Hawaiian shirts hanging there; he had left so quickly, with only a brief kiss of good-bye, I liked the reminder.

But I knew what Kathleen meant. We were standing in Ed’s office, now my office, sort of, the back room with a sliding glass door that led to the screened porch. It was the only room in our house with any closets, so we kept our clothes there, even though we slept upstairs. The door on Ed’s closet didn’t close all the way, and the sight of a fuchsia orchid peeking out must have looked incongruous on this gray day. Not to mention that if I could take over his office, if I could figure out how to clean his computer and sell it, surely I could give away a couple of sweaters. Ed wasn’t missing. There was no chance he would limp into the house next spring, looking for his stuff. 

“I guess we could look at his winter clothes,” I said. “Give those away before it’s too late.”

“Exactly,” said Kathleen. “And if you’re not ready to give something away, you keep it. It’s allowed.”

It’s allowed. In fact, Ed had two-dozen sweaters and four fleece jackets. Dave, who long ago dubbed Ed a “clothes pony,” chose a sweater and a fleece jacket; I saved one of each for my brother and kept one of each for myself. The rest I gave to the thrift shop, wishing Godspeed to their softness and color, and discovering that I liked the idea of someone discovering them in time for Christmas, making a gift of them to someone else, or themselves. 

By moving Ed’s summer clothes to the attic, I suddenly had an empty closet. Such a marvel had never before been seen in any of our domiciles. I kept it vacant for a week. I dusted it and vacuumed it, and then I moved my clothes into it. In my former closet, I hung my two coats and three jackets. Next to them, I hung extra hangars, for company. A coat closet! Another first.

Lots of things were allowed. I had slept with the radio on until it was cold enough to close the windows against mysterious night sounds. But it was Ed who watched television to relax, not me; pitched high and fast, it made me jittery. So I wheeled the TV, on its stand, out of the living room and into a corner of the office, but that seemed silly, so I wheeled it out the front door, down the three steps, and into the car. Returning later from the thrift shop, I found the house somehow more peaceful. Less cluttered, calmer.  

I went into Ed’s office and looked at the room; on one side a window gave out on the deck; on the other side, the view was perennial gardens. Through the sliding glass door at the end, beyond the screened porch, I could see a day with the last of the golden fall light. Our neighbor Frank had kindly mowed the field. For all intents and purposes, my freelance career was over. Now a wage slave, I never had time for my own writing, despite all those juicy novel plot lines just waiting for me. I stared at this room and into the light, and I thought, it’s allowed. 

By the time my brother, Nick, and his wife, Liza, drove over from Boston for Thanksgiving, bringing Cornish game hens and all the trimmings, I had moved everything that I could by myself, exchanging the office for the bedroom. “I need help moving the bedroom furniture down here,” I said, “and bringing this office stuff upstairs.” 

“I don’t think we can do all that today,” said Nick. “We’ll come back.” 

“Sure we can,” said Liza, who loves a project. She set multiple timers in the kitchen, and we ran up and down the stairs. We managed my bureau, the mattress, dinner, and the dishes, but at eight o’clock we realized that we could not manage the wooden base of the bed, one of the many beautifully designed, impractical items Ed had left me. It weighed about 100 pounds and would probably have to be sawed in half. 

“Ed and Dave moved it up here,” I recalled belatedly, not adding that I had thought moving it down the stairs it would be easier. 

“Christmas isn’t that far away,” said Nick. “We’ll come over again and you can line up somebody to help me.” 

“What about your neighbors?” asked Liza. “It’s only eight o’clock and we have two pies.” 

So I called Nancy and Frank, who were in fact at loose ends by then, and they walked down the road. Frank, however, voted with Nick on the current unmanageability of the project. “I’ll call a couple of guys tomorrow,” said Frank, who earned a living as a master of many trades. “We’ll come over before you go to work on Saturday. I’m sorry it can’t be tomorrow,” he added sadly, looking at my tidy bed on the floor. “I couldn’t do that,” as if sleeping on the floor were something consigned to the young and reckless.  

Liz had the coffee and two pies—pumpkin and mince—ready. To my pleasure, Nancy and Frank sat around the table with us for an hour, and we wound up exchanging war stories of worst jobs we had ever had. Right then I was the winner by only a hair; Nancy, a cook at a nursing home, had to be at work at 5:30 the next morning, three hours ahead of my start time. 

“For me it was the war,” said Frank, standing at the sliding glass door onto the deck, smoking a cigarette and tapping the ash outdoors. “’Nam. Everything’s been easy since then.” 

“Nick served in Vietnam too,” said Liza, since my brother will seldom talk about it. 

“Oh yeah?” said Frank. “ROTC?” Rot-see. A word from college.

“No,” said Nick. “I enlisted in the Navy. Spent three years stateside, thought I might make it, but I didn’t. Went over as a quartermaster.” 

“He drove a little boat, like in Apocalypse Now,” said Liza.

“He knows what I mean, sweetie,” said Nick, and I could see that Frank—and Nancy—did, and that we had just gone up several notches in their eyes, no longer simply people who ran up and down the road in shiny long underwear. 

Liza brought humor back to the circle with her tales of working as a secretary for a man who once literally chased her around the desk, until she ran out the door. 

How I wanted to stop time right then, at the second when we all laughed. I wasn’t staring into the kitchen sink under the overhead light at 10 o’clock at night, my head full of numbers, thinking, I cannot sustain this life. Nick paid for my fuel oil, but he can’t buy me a new car, and how will I pay the property taxes? No matter what I do, I cannot keep this house, and apartments don’t want dogs, but she is all I have, I can’t give her up, around and around, until I wanted to cry out and instead went to bed and pulled the covers over my head. 

Tonight Liz had turned off the kitchen light. We sat around the circular table under honeyed fall light moved indoors, by lamp. Safe for the moment, the next tragedy held at bay, I gave thanks. 

Copyright © Debby Mayer


  1. What a nice Thanksgiving! Ours was always family plus anyone else around at loose ends. That's why Thandksgiving is my favorite holiday -- just great food and family both by blood and by friendship.

    Just so you know, I'm definitely voting for Kathleen this November!

  2. I appreciate the blending of interior thoughts and external practicalities -- so true to daily life. And the desire to stop time -- yes, just the right thing to say right then.

  3. this continues to be really really good, Deb!--Linda

  4. Debby - I look forward to your chapters, and savor each one when it arrives. Favorite aspects of #10:
    -'It's allowed' - gently accepting your own sense of what you were/were not ready for.
    - Also - and the very end - the peace that came when you could put your worry aside and experience the peace of being in the moment.

  5. I agree. "It's allowed" is a great expression of the freeing aspect of widowhood, one of the compensations for all the pain.